We had a scene and it was FABULOUS

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS. Simply fabulous.

I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and of course that has gotten me thinking, and therefore us talking, about BDSM relationships. While the relationship in 50 Shades is pretty textbook BDSM (if there is such a thing), it's still given us food for thought, mainly because it allows me to go back and remember how I felt and what I expected and hoped for when we first entered the BDSM scene. Obviously, we've evolved since then.

We had the same ole Talk.

You know, the one where I want him to force me and he wants me to just submit. Sigh.

Luckily, it didn't turn into a fight this time. Just talking. Trying to work past the frustrations in herent in our mutual incompatible desires and expectations when it comes to BDSM. When frustrations got high, we tried to take a calming step back and understand each other verbally, even if we didn't change our stance.

Of course, talking about it... I wanted it.

It's easier for me to get into the mood when I'm super, super relaxed.

Me being super, super relaxed never happens. Almost never. Maybe if I'm super exhausted or just taken a Xanax or something. Which doesn't happen a lot, let me tell you.

But yesterday, something clicked. I was relaxed enough. I just sat there. I soaked him in. I let him do whatever he wanted.

Boy, was it fantastic.

(Warning: Sexually Explicit Details! Not work-safe!)

He told me what to do. He touched me. He hurt me, a little but not much. He fingered me. He talked dirty to me, which was sooo hot. He told me he was punishing me for being too mouthy lately. He made me give him head, and I thought I couldn't take it but he kept grabbing my hair and making me do it anyway. I kept stopping to gag, and I was worried that disappointed him, but he just waited a few seconds and then kept right on going. Then he pushed me backwards onto the bed in an uncomfortable position and did not let me move. I kept wiggling and breathing hard but trying not to change positions! He flipped me onto the bed and had sex with me, just a little bit, then went back to fingering me, hard, too hard. It hurt, it hurt, I wanted him to be gentler, but I kept coming and he kept telling me not to move my hands or my head. I came and came until I was worn out from coming, and it hurt so much, and when he finally, finally let me up, I started laughing, just laughing, from relief and happiness and the best. sex. ever! And then he cleaned my vibrator and used it on me, and I was so turned on and sensitive to his touch that I just sat there in exquisite agony and kept getting so close to coming over the brink but I never could, the torture just went on and on. And when it finally happened it was superb.

I was so happy. I felt so good. He made me feel so delicious. He gave me pleasure. I wanted to please him. I wanted him. I respected him, loved him, wanted to make him happy. And at the end I was an exhausted, panting, satisfied woman.

People, this never happens except in the romance novels. It was AWESOME!

Thank you to my honey. I am a very happy woman today.

The "Right" Kind of Sub

I've been perusing Submissive Guide again, getting caught up on some forum discussions and browsing new articles. I just can't make myself get onto FetLife again, since I've gotten bored with the same-ole, same-ole questions and answers about D/s and subs that have always been asked and answered, but I am dying for some new information on BDSM. That's why I started this blog; I could not find a lot of info on BDSM for newbies to the lifestyle!

But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:

You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails.
For me, I've tried scenes and I've tried lifestyle and everything in between. I'm still trying to find my niche. Am I D/s or BDSM or DD or Taken in Hand or CDD? I'm not sure!!!! I'm a little of all of them. Or maybe some weird mix. I don't know.

But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can  be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.

As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!

But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-)  And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)

Totally Fucking Lazy BDSM (Is Love)

It’s easy to get burned out on BDSM, especially if your style is a high-intensity one, like mine is.   If what you’re really into is the flailing whipping flogging chains and wax followed immediately by ripping, ravishing, pounding, ecstatic, transcendent, weirdly religious and transporting scenes with laughing crying biting awe.

That takes a shitload of energy — mental, physical, emotional.

Some days, I tell you pervs — I just do not have the oomph for this.

But the problem with that — and it’s a problem I’m sure some of you have experienced — is that when that intense activity disappears for awhile,  when you guys aren’t *ahem* Doing It,  it can feel like your dynamic disappears as well.

Where did it go?  If nobody’s dominating and nobody’s submitting, are you vanilla now?  Is it over?  Are we through?

A big part of my job as a dominant is to actually connect to what I really truly want.   Not in general.  Not what I think I should want. Not what I think Holly wants.  But what I actually really truly want RIGHT NOW, today.

The problem with that is that I find some of the things I want embarrassing.

Read moreTotally Fucking Lazy BDSM (Is Love)

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The Strength Within

"Patience is a Virtue"...how many times have we all heard that?  For me, more than we care to count.  Especially when in today's society everything seems to be so fast and furious.  Technology has made us want instant gratification and instant results right now.  I am no exception.  Yet, at the same time I teach about patience and that some things just take time.  So how do we deal with the fact that we need patience, yet want something right this minute? The answer is very simple...inner strength.  I think having a lot of inner strength is vitally important to being a Dominant.  I don't mean being physically strong, and even having that presence about you that exudes Dominance.  Sometimes, it can take all a dominant has to be strong and be patient.  This can be an internal battle he fights within himself. I'm not looking at this as patience in dealing with a submissive, or patience in seeing progress and growth within her.  That should be a given, as nothing happens overnight.  I'm talking about the strength to hold out yourself, as the Dominant, to be able to be better for the submissive.

One example of this is a short story I saw attached to a picture on tumblr yesterday.  It was all about the Dom teasing the sub, getting her all worked up, letting her stew about it mentally, yet not letting her have any release.  Many times that is the point of the exercise, and in showing who is in charge and in control.  She gets her release when he allows it.  She can ache and throb within, be a sloppy mess between her legs, and she can beg and plead to have him and have her release.  She can need it more than anything.  Yet, she doesn't get it.

This is where having inner strength comes into play for the Dom.  It can be very easy to push her just a bit, and give her what she wants as soon as she begs a little.  But does that serve the greater good of your relationship?  Giving her what she wants every time she wants it, just because she asks?  I don't think it does!  It can be very difficult to say no to a beautiful woman who is overly sexually aroused, and begging and pleading to be taken.  I mean, who in their right mind would turn that down, right?  But part of being in control is being in control of yourself.  You have to be strong to deny her to accomplish the goal you set out to reach.

Read moreThe Strength Within

The Rewards Of A Submissive

Rather than write my own post, I decided to steal from someone else.  Ok, steal is such a horrible word.  I am going to post someone else's work with their prior permission to do so.  Why, you may ask?  Because it is extremely well written, and sounds exactly like something I would write, and how I see D/s.  I thought this post was worth sharing, and would love to know how you all feel about it as well.The picture and words are from the tumblr blog For The Love Of A Submissive. The specific post is The Rewards Of A Submissive.--------------------------------------------------------

The Rewards of a Submissive
Much is written of submission on blogs and in chat rooms, and images abound of “submissive’s” and their so-called “Doms.” But what most BDSM sites and blogs present is entertainment, sexual titillation, and at times outright coercion and abuse rather than an exploration of genuine submission and the amazing rewards it can bring to a Dom. Earning the submission of another human being is a process that takes patience, dedication, concern, love, empathy, listening skills, and above all, integrity. But if or when it happens, the feeling is indescribable!

Submission is earned; it is neither coerced or manipulated. And to be meaningful for me, it must come from a woman whom I unreservedly revere and admire. The greater her will, intellect, artistic ability, grace, kindness and beauty, the greater the reward of earning her submission. To that end, earning the submission of such a woman is not the end state but rather just the beginning, because I want more. More of her. All of her. And to do that, she must be allowed to grow to her full potential, which means giving her the space and encouragement to be everything she is capable of being. She is the gift. The better and more whole she is, the more precious the gift to me.

Therefor, to my way of thinking, a submissive is not a slave. Quite the opposite. She is a free being who has chosen of her own will to give herself unreservedly to me. Catching a hummingbird in a net just feels mean spirited and destructive. Having that same hummingbird land on your fingertip of its own accord is a soaring experience. So it is for me with a woman’s submission.

Read moreThe Rewards Of A Submissive