We had a scene and it was FABULOUS

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS. Simply fabulous.

I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and of course that has gotten me thinking, and therefore us talking, about BDSM relationships. While the relationship in 50 Shades is pretty textbook BDSM (if there is such a thing), it's still given us food for thought, mainly because it allows me to go back and remember how I felt and what I expected and hoped for when we first entered the BDSM scene. Obviously, we've evolved since then.

We had the same ole Talk.

You know, the one where I want him to force me and he wants me to just submit. Sigh.

Luckily, it didn't turn into a fight this time. Just talking. Trying to work past the frustrations in herent in our mutual incompatible desires and expectations when it comes to BDSM. When frustrations got high, we tried to take a calming step back and understand each other verbally, even if we didn't change our stance.

Of course, talking about it... I wanted it.

It's easier for me to get into the mood when I'm super, super relaxed.

Me being super, super relaxed never happens. Almost never. Maybe if I'm super exhausted or just taken a Xanax or something. Which doesn't happen a lot, let me tell you.

But yesterday, something clicked. I was relaxed enough. I just sat there. I soaked him in. I let him do whatever he wanted.

Boy, was it fantastic.

(Warning: Sexually Explicit Details! Not work-safe!)

He told me what to do. He touched me. He hurt me, a little but not much. He fingered me. He talked dirty to me, which was sooo hot. He told me he was punishing me for being too mouthy lately. He made me give him head, and I thought I couldn't take it but he kept grabbing my hair and making me do it anyway. I kept stopping to gag, and I was worried that disappointed him, but he just waited a few seconds and then kept right on going. Then he pushed me backwards onto the bed in an uncomfortable position and did not let me move. I kept wiggling and breathing hard but trying not to change positions! He flipped me onto the bed and had sex with me, just a little bit, then went back to fingering me, hard, too hard. It hurt, it hurt, I wanted him to be gentler, but I kept coming and he kept telling me not to move my hands or my head. I came and came until I was worn out from coming, and it hurt so much, and when he finally, finally let me up, I started laughing, just laughing, from relief and happiness and the best. sex. ever! And then he cleaned my vibrator and used it on me, and I was so turned on and sensitive to his touch that I just sat there in exquisite agony and kept getting so close to coming over the brink but I never could, the torture just went on and on. And when it finally happened it was superb.

I was so happy. I felt so good. He made me feel so delicious. He gave me pleasure. I wanted to please him. I wanted him. I respected him, loved him, wanted to make him happy. And at the end I was an exhausted, panting, satisfied woman.

People, this never happens except in the romance novels. It was AWESOME!

Thank you to my honey. I am a very happy woman today.

The "Right" Kind of Sub

I've been perusing Submissive Guide again, getting caught up on some forum discussions and browsing new articles. I just can't make myself get onto FetLife again, since I've gotten bored with the same-ole, same-ole questions and answers about D/s and subs that have always been asked and answered, but I am dying for some new information on BDSM. That's why I started this blog; I could not find a lot of info on BDSM for newbies to the lifestyle!

But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:

You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails.
For me, I've tried scenes and I've tried lifestyle and everything in between. I'm still trying to find my niche. Am I D/s or BDSM or DD or Taken in Hand or CDD? I'm not sure!!!! I'm a little of all of them. Or maybe some weird mix. I don't know.

But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can  be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.

As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!

But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-)  And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)

Totally Fucking Lazy BDSM (Is Love)

It’s easy to get burned out on BDSM, especially if your style is a high-intensity one, like mine is.   If what you’re really into is the flailing whipping flogging chains and wax followed immediately by ripping, ravishing, pounding, ecstatic, transcendent, weirdly religious and transporting scenes with laughing crying biting awe.

That takes a shitload of energy — mental, physical, emotional.

Some days, I tell you pervs — I just do not have the oomph for this.

But the problem with that — and it’s a problem I’m sure some of you have experienced — is that when that intense activity disappears for awhile,  when you guys aren’t *ahem* Doing It,  it can feel like your dynamic disappears as well.

Where did it go?  If nobody’s dominating and nobody’s submitting, are you vanilla now?  Is it over?  Are we through?

A big part of my job as a dominant is to actually connect to what I really truly want.   Not in general.  Not what I think I should want. Not what I think Holly wants.  But what I actually really truly want RIGHT NOW, today.

The problem with that is that I find some of the things I want embarrassing.

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The Strength Within

"Patience is a Virtue"...how many times have we all heard that?  For me, more than we care to count.  Especially when in today's society everything seems to be so fast and furious.  Technology has made us want instant gratification and instant results right now.  I am no exception.  Yet, at the same time I teach about patience and that some things just take time.  So how do we deal with the fact that we need patience, yet want something right this minute? The answer is very simple...inner strength.  I think having a lot of inner strength is vitally important to being a Dominant.  I don't mean being physically strong, and even having that presence about you that exudes Dominance.  Sometimes, it can take all a dominant has to be strong and be patient.  This can be an internal battle he fights within himself. I'm not looking at this as patience in dealing with a submissive, or patience in seeing progress and growth within her.  That should be a given, as nothing happens overnight.  I'm talking about the strength to hold out yourself, as the Dominant, to be able to be better for the submissive.

One example of this is a short story I saw attached to a picture on tumblr yesterday.  It was all about the Dom teasing the sub, getting her all worked up, letting her stew about it mentally, yet not letting her have any release.  Many times that is the point of the exercise, and in showing who is in charge and in control.  She gets her release when he allows it.  She can ache and throb within, be a sloppy mess between her legs, and she can beg and plead to have him and have her release.  She can need it more than anything.  Yet, she doesn't get it.

This is where having inner strength comes into play for the Dom.  It can be very easy to push her just a bit, and give her what she wants as soon as she begs a little.  But does that serve the greater good of your relationship?  Giving her what she wants every time she wants it, just because she asks?  I don't think it does!  It can be very difficult to say no to a beautiful woman who is overly sexually aroused, and begging and pleading to be taken.  I mean, who in their right mind would turn that down, right?  But part of being in control is being in control of yourself.  You have to be strong to deny her to accomplish the goal you set out to reach.

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The Rewards Of A Submissive

Rather than write my own post, I decided to steal from someone else.  Ok, steal is such a horrible word.  I am going to post someone else's work with their prior permission to do so.  Why, you may ask?  Because it is extremely well written, and sounds exactly like something I would write, and how I see D/s.  I thought this post was worth sharing, and would love to know how you all feel about it as well.The picture and words are from the tumblr blog For The Love Of A Submissive. The specific post is The Rewards Of A Submissive.--------------------------------------------------------

The Rewards of a Submissive
Much is written of submission on blogs and in chat rooms, and images abound of “submissive’s” and their so-called “Doms.” But what most BDSM sites and blogs present is entertainment, sexual titillation, and at times outright coercion and abuse rather than an exploration of genuine submission and the amazing rewards it can bring to a Dom. Earning the submission of another human being is a process that takes patience, dedication, concern, love, empathy, listening skills, and above all, integrity. But if or when it happens, the feeling is indescribable!

Submission is earned; it is neither coerced or manipulated. And to be meaningful for me, it must come from a woman whom I unreservedly revere and admire. The greater her will, intellect, artistic ability, grace, kindness and beauty, the greater the reward of earning her submission. To that end, earning the submission of such a woman is not the end state but rather just the beginning, because I want more. More of her. All of her. And to do that, she must be allowed to grow to her full potential, which means giving her the space and encouragement to be everything she is capable of being. She is the gift. The better and more whole she is, the more precious the gift to me.

Therefor, to my way of thinking, a submissive is not a slave. Quite the opposite. She is a free being who has chosen of her own will to give herself unreservedly to me. Catching a hummingbird in a net just feels mean spirited and destructive. Having that same hummingbird land on your fingertip of its own accord is a soaring experience. So it is for me with a woman’s submission.

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My Core: Answers To A Journal Prompt

My Core

 1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

 I'm a conquered submissive. I'm a Christian, a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, leader, helper, romantic, reader, artist, pessimist, worrier, doubter, fearer.

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

I feel joy when I hold my sleeping baby. When I sing or dance. When I hear beautiful music being sung by amazing singers live.

I feel pain when I feel alone, lonely, lost, misunderstood, and not listened to. I feel pain when people leave me, when I worry I'm not good enough or worthy or attractive or pretty or nice enough. I feel pain when my husband hurts me. I feel pain when friends and family do not put as much time and effort into me as I do into them.

 I feel fear when I think of my baby dying. I feel fear when I think of dying and becoming nothing. I feel fear when I imagine heights, airplanes, big dogs, the baby getting hurt, my husband liking someone else's company better than mine, my family not loving me as much as I love them, losing my job.

I feel excitement when I go shopping and imagine the "new me" that can emerge when I buy an accessory or clothes that are out of my normal box. I feel excitement at traveling to exotic new places. I feel excited about learning new things, like cooking, languages, fashion, grammar. I feel excited when I start a good book or have a whole day alone to spend with a book and my computer.

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

The part of me that worries I am "too much" and no one will want/love all of me. When I am completely owned, conquered, submitted to someone who has put forth the effort and work and demonstrated the strength of mind, body, and will to obliviate me, I know I am wanted, loved, cherished. I know I will not be left by someone who has put in that much effort to have me. It heals my fears of being left or unwanted.


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Abuse, Intimacy, and BDSM

I've been reading the genius S&M feminist writer Clarisse Thorn once again. Her post, "S&M Aftercare... or Brainwashing?" was, as always for Clarisse, a gem. She is such a great writer and does a great job with tough topics like BDSM and abuse, rape, and nonconsent.

This post was all about the similarities between BDSM and abuse and how to tell the difference. There are many articles about this on the web, and it's a popular topic for bloggers. I'm proud of the BDSM community for working so hard to make clear boundaries of what is and is not abuse to keep its members safer.

Clarisse Thorn bravely points out that having an orgasm or enjoying a sexual act does not mean you gave your consent. She quotes one of her readers:

And part of that mechanism, that involves the desire for the abuse to continue, is that many of us are designed to want more intimacy once intimacy has been initiated with a person. Many of us don’t want to be left.
This is terrifying and real for those of us who have been abused. You hate it, but you want more of it. You hate it, but you enjoy it. You hate it, but you are aroused by it. You hate it, but you have an orgasm from it. You hate it, but you feel loved and desired anyway.

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A Hole in My Heart

I miss BDSM.

I miss the sense of security it gave me. I miss the overwhelming awe and respect I felt for my husband when he had completely overpowered me. I miss the heartrending sobbing that he forced out of me, when I was finally pushed over the edge of my own control and I lost it, and how finally after that I would feel so calm and relaxed. I miss the surge of relaxation that laps through my body when he takes me by the throat. I miss the security of knowing their are consequences when I do something wrong.

I miss it.

My Dom knows this, but he is not interested in engaging in BDSM again anytime soon.

He has several good reasons, although they are hard for me to understand.

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The Fear Of…

I have noticed over my years of being a Dominant (that made me sound old didn't it?!?!  lol!), that there are a lot of of very strong women that want and need to be involved in a power exchange relationship.  Many of these women have a personality than no one would ever think that they would want to submit to someone.  They are very independent, strong, confident, attractive, and project themselves well in front of others.  Their daily lives many times consists of having to be in charge, lead, and direct.  They are in positions of authority in the workplace or community.  They are very goal oriented, and even perfectionists in all they do.  Even to the point of being a bit OCD in having to have everything a certain way. So, why on earth would a woman like this be interested in a relationship where she has no power or control?  Why would she want to submit and give control to someone else?  The simple answer...because she needs it.   Many times, this type woman is in these positions because of her drive to succeed.  Yet, she craves direction.  Her need to achieve, being able to follow direction, accomplish all that has been asked her, and move up the ladder within her career has gained her all she has sought.  But, now she has surpassed being able to follow directives and achieve what has been asked of her.  She is now the one in charge, and that may not sit well with her needs.  The irony is that her need to please and do well, and flourishing under others, is the very thing that moved her up into a position of having to guide others beneath her.  Doing so well for others, at least in the workplace, is what got her noticed, promoted, and put in charge. In being able to submit, it is her release.  It's gets her back in balance, and it the one place she can let go of the pressures of everything else and relax.  She feels most comfortable in being in a structured environment where she is accountable to someone else.  A place where someone else has oversight of her.  For many overachieving women, though, this brings on a new problem within the D/s realm.  That problem is Fear.  It's not fear of her partner, fear of what he may do, or fear of what he will require of her.  It's fear of not being enough.  Fear of disappointing him. In the workplace, there are boundaries.  She can only be pushed so far.  In her relationship, she knows she can constantly be pushed.  She can be pushed further than in anything else.  This can bring out a fear of disappointment.  In her mind, this is worse than anything that could be done to her.  She is used to being able to accomplish her goals and succeed.  But in D/s, she will be pushed mentally, emotionally, and physically like in nothing else.  She will be made to bare herself, emotionally and physically,  The one thing that can hold her back is the fear of not being enough to her Dominant.  Not being enough as a woman.  Not being enough as a submissive.  Not being able to give enough of herself, and the fear that she will disappoint her Dom in her efforts.  She is used to giving her all and being successful.  Yet, in D/s she is afraid that she will not be as successful and will let her Dominant down.  This fear can take over and cause a lot of problems in the relationship if not noticed and handled properly.
Luckily for us Doms, this can be a good thing.  With some care and attention, and lots of communication, this can be addressed.  In handling this carefully, showing her what she means to you, and that you have no worry at all on your side about her ability to please you, she can find comfort in her abilities and what she means to you.  It takes a lot of care, support and reassurance.  But in the end, this process can bring you both closer, build the trust level to be stronger, and she will respect you more for the Dominant you are in helping, supporting and guiding her.  She will respect and believe in you more as a man, for taking the time to show her that her fears are unfounded, and just how grateful you are for all she is and gives to you. Fear of being a disappointment is something all Dominants need to be aware of abut their submissives. In the Doms mind, it may be completely unfounded.  But in her mind, it is very real.  And most importantly, if it is real to her, then it better become real to you.  Do not make light of it and push it aside.  Be very aware of it, and learn how to deal with it.  She will appreciate you more for understanding and working her through this mental block.  To me, it's part of the process in being a good leader and Dom for her.  It isn't always just fun play and games.  There are serious situations that sometimes need to be addressed.  It can take time, as well, to work through these issues.  But, the end result in taking this time and working through this together, is well worth all the effort.