Challenge for Kinksters

Something I see a lot on the internet and in comments/emails posted to me about this blog is new kinksters feeling confused about where to start. What do they want? Which label best describes them? Are they top, Dom, Master, Owner, Daddy, slave, sub, switch? How do they convince their husband/wife/partner to be kinky with them?

So my advice for beginners, other than try everything once and don't be afraid to experiment with the different facets of BDSM to see which ones you really like, (see my beginner's guides for many of these things on this blog), is this: if you think you are interested in the D/s aspect of BDSM, try it for ten minutes a day. Period.

Too many people--me included--get so excited as beginners that they rush out the gate from total newbie to 24/7 D/s slavery. Fueled by sexy BDSM erotica, first-time websites, and mental fantasies they are sure will soon be realized, partnerships can burn out too fast and end in total disappointment, tears, fights, and frustrations.

Trust me. My Dom and I have been there!

Start slowly. Yes, I know it's exciting! And very, very sexy. But start slowly and let yourselves build up to the right level of D/s for you. Be creative and don't be afraid to experiment. And--this lesson is very important and one I learned the hard way, many times, before it sank it--don't criticize when you communicate. Just communicate. No judgments or criticisms necessary. Trust me, they won't be received well.

Start for a week and set the goal of incorporating some D/s into your days for 10 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a lot. When we were newlyweds, we had a lot more time to devote to D/s and BDSM. Now, we have a baby and a house and family and jobs and pets. We are also supposed to squeeze sleep and relaxation and a few couple-only dates into the mix. We don't have a lot of alone time for scenes or drawn-out domination.

For me, this daily dose of D/s (ha! alliteration!) works sort of like maintenance spankings work for DD couples. I don't need to be spanked, but I do need a reminder that he's in charge. That he loves me. That he makes time for me and for us. It's a time for us to re-connect briefly. And to my surprise, it gets me through the next 23 hours and 50 minutes just fine. I don't need 2-hour scenes to be happy. But I do need a reminder of his domination.

Last week, he decided to spend the last 10 minutes before bed dominating me a little bit. I really liked it. We got the baby down, watched some 30 Rock or the Olympics, cuddled, brushed our teeth, read our Bible. Then we just had a short reconnection time with dominance play involved.

One day, he simply pinned me down and kissed me. Once we wrestled and giggled and we both re-discovered how much stronger than me he is. One night he just used the vibrator on me quickly and made me come, whether or not I wanted to. Another night I was being mouthy and he flipped me over and spanked me, hard, on my thighs. I, of course, got all pissed off and stopped talking to him. He waited patiently with his arms around me until I calmed down half an hour later and was able to realize that he was not being "unfair" or a "jerk" and was just being firm and giving me discipline. Another night he used the vibrator on me and turned it up high so I couldn't come but just squirmed from pain. I hated it! I went to bed sulky and mad, but he went to bed with a malicious little smile on his face.

None of these took much time, but the next day, I wasn't so snippy or mouthy with him. Even that little bit of domination was enough to remind me who was boss and to remind him to lead me.

One night, we were too tired and we just fell into bed. Another night, we were arguing and we stayed up late trying to patch the problem. Neither night did we engage in any D/s or domination, either physical or mental.

You can guess what happened.

My attitude began to rise, unchecked. During the days, I got snippier. More mouthy. "Ha! You can't boss me around! Who do you think you are?" my body language was saying.

What do you think happened next? He felt disrespected. I felt unloved and angry. We started fighting more. Bickering more. Cuddling less.

Just 10 minutes a day, folks. It's a good way to start out and a good place to work up from.

Take the 10-Minute-a-Day Challenge. Let me know how it goes!

The Healthy Submissive

Her adult sexuality is elaborated upon this psychic core: she is receptive, she is open, she is giving, and what touches her most powerfully in sexual intimacy is to be commanded, taken, used, even forced to suffer because even in suffering she is loved. She learns the equation of suffering = pleasure in those very early interchanges in which she experienced the flush of pleasure in being of service to her family. The more she had to suffer, the more she had to put aside her own needs in order to “be good”, the greater perhaps is this connection, and the more overtly masochistic the submissive may be.

“The Healthy Submissive,” by Yaldatovah 

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Olympic Submission?!?!

I was watching the London Olympics last night.  For me it's one of those things that certain games I enjoy and others I could care less.  At the same time, I can't quit watching because I just have to see who wins, and how they win.  The Olympics have control over me,and I don't like it.  I even found myself watching ping pong the other night.  I mean...really?!?!  LOL!

  In all seriousness, I was watching some of the women's gymnastics.  The announcers were discussing the training regimen of one of the US Women.  I say women, but really the are all very young.  Anyway, they were talking about how talented yet stubborn she can be.  It's just part of her personality.  Her coach will push...she will push back...her coach will push more, etc...  That was almost word for word how they described it.  Sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?

  It takes a very strong coach to be able to train and push a gymnast like her.  To stand up to her to make her be better.  To make her become the best she can be.  To push her past what she wants to do and thinks is necessary, in order to become more than she ever thought she could be.  For the coach, I'm sure it can be very trying at times, yet it is the coach's job to not let her get the upper hand, and to keep her on track, improving, and progressing.  

I think you can see where I'm going with this.  As a Dominant, especially for a strong willed, stubborn, head strong submissive, you must be able to stand your ground and push.  When you feel resistance, and feel her push back, you can't give in.  You must stand your ground.  You are doing her a disservice by giving in, and thereby letting her begin to control the situation.  Ultimately she needs this control from you, and needs your Dominance.  That is why she is here in the first place. She may not always like it, but it is for her own good and to make her help her grow and progress. It's in seeing the fruits of your labor that she will trust and respect you more for standing up and not giving in.  This is what she needs from you most.

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Blind Spots

Photo by AtomicJeep on Flickr: Holly likes things I don’t like. Scratch that:  Holly likes things that I can’t stand. That is, some of the things Holly craves are things that are actually on my hard limit list when I bottom — she wants me to do to her things I won’t allow anyone to do to me. Now, just because I don’t want something done to me, am I really opposed to doing it to her? No, not really.  I don’t mind doing them; I don’t find doing them upsetting. But the thing is, I never do them. I have a blind spot.  Anything that’s on my hard limit list?  I just forget about it.  It’s not there.  When I plan a scene, I don’t think about it.  Even when I mentally run down a list of things I know Holly likes, I forget to put them on. So this weekend Bryce and Holly and I all went to a local kink event, and there was a class on one of those things that Holly likes that I can’t stand. Face slapping. No, I won’t let anyone slap me across the face.  In fact, pretty much any rough stuff from the collarbones up is off limits, with the exception of biting me on the neck, which is on the DO WANT list. I don’t like gags.  If you cover my mouth or nose I will panic. And if you slap me in the face I will scream at you in a way that is likely to terrify you and the neighborhood beyond, and the scene will come to an immediate screeching halt. But why?  I not only endure but seek out far rougher treatment than a little slap on the face.  What is it about getting slapped on the face that’s so different? Getting slapped in the face, more than other forms of real-world violence, is a gesture of disrespect.    It’s also peculiarly feminine; typically, women slap people, not men. It’s done face to face, whereas almost all of my impact scenes are done facing away from Bryce, showing him my back (and backside).  It’s not impersonal violence; it’s personal, and judgmental.   A slap says, “You’ve misbehaved, I don’t respect you, you should be ashamed of yourself.” From my perspective, it’s terrifyingly personal and shaming, which is why I never allow it. So.  The class. The best thing about the class?   The presenter did her whole talk completely naked. (I kid you not, pervs). Even better, she was a fountain of girly effervescence who had a wonderful time slapping boys who were very enthusiastic about lining up to get slapped by a pretty naked woman. There was one moment where I could see how much the volunteer liked it — face flushed, eyes closed, little smile.  ”Ummmmm,” he said, clearly enveloped in pleasure. I could not help but notice how close it was to one of my other favorites: blushing.  I usually achieve that by requiring Holly to surrender her panties to me in a restaurant, but lo, here was another route. The class ended, and I had to get over to the bootblack stand and get to work.  The next time I saw Holly she was being chased by a human pony (with a bridle and a bit and leather ears) and giggling madly. Bryce made the rounds of the vendor booths with a lovely woman he’s been seeing lately.  There was dinner, with Bryce, and Holly, and me. And then Bryce left.  Just me.  Just Holly.  And her lovely innocent face. I don’t really remember what we were doing just before I did it.  Holly was still dressed, but I had her pinned to the bed.  She was face up, and her head hung over the edge of the bed a bit.  I grabbed her, first by the chin, and then by her hair. Did I whisper don’t move? First one.  Barely making contact.  I threaded my fingers through her hair, pulling tight. Second one. Harder. “Ohhhh,” she groans.  Lips parted, eyes closed.  She looks…transported, her face as flushed as it would be during an orgasm. She doesn’t move or try to get away from me. I don’t actually know what Holly thinks of this — does she also see it as a gesture of disrespect, but simply find that hot in the way that having a top yank down your panties and make you stand in the corner hot?  Is it the same kind of erotic frisson that comes from sexually-tinged embarrassment?  Perhaps not having the respect of others, or being shamed by an authority figure holds no true terrors for her, leaving only the joys of the erotic playground, in which case, she is truly blessed. I only know what her body tells me, and her body tells me it’s time to fuck.