Pushing Her Mental Boundaries…

I have been asked about the theme of my tumblr blog and it being BDSM related yet I post a lot of girl on girl pics.  There isn’t a simple answer to this.  It’s much more involved then one might think.  Of course, there is the fact that those pics are just plain hot and I post them because I like them.  Yet, it also goes deeper than that in relation to my slave.
My slave has always had bisexual desires and found women attractive.  Getting her to admit she has those desires has been a bit more of a challenge.  It has taken work and time and patience.  It has taken a lot of support and encouragement in letting her know that it is ok to desire the things she does, not just with her bisexuality but also being the slave she needs to be, her desire and love of pain, and a whole host of other things.  It has taken her becoming more secure in what we have, who she is for me, and that we are in this together no matter what.  Everyone has those certain mental boundaries that are an issue for them, and her admitting her desires for women has been one of those.

Don’t Trust The Vultures…

I saw this cartoon and had to laugh.  It is a funny blurb.  But then it immediately got me to thinking.  It seems as though this is so true in real life.  Many times people seem supportive and encouraging, yet they aren’t doing it for your benefit, but rather for their own personal reasons and gain.

Because it’s the way my brain works, I immediately related this picture and my thoughts to this lifestyle.  Trust is the cornerstone of it all.  Being able to trust someone, or a group of people in this lifestyle is at the core essence of all this is.  Domination requires trust.  Submission requires trust.  If you don’t have that trust then you have nothing.  The vultures will try to push and test you, regardless of trust.  Don’t let them!

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The Jekyll and Hyde Contradiction…

I believe at times we all have contradictions that that run through our head.  This is especially true within this lifestyle of BDSM, D/s, Ms, etc…  Any of you that have followed me for any length of time know that I have written about the contradictions that lie within submission.  There is the internal battle many times of what seems right versus what a submission wants, needs, or craves.   It can be hard to accept these things and come to terms with our desires for these seemingly inappropriate acts and treatment.  In today’s society, it can even seem very wrong to even want to submit and give power and authority over to another person, regardless of the acts that may play out.  Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret… this can be hard for a Dominant/Master at times as well.

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Emerging From The Darkness…



She had abolished herself within the dark dungeon because of the way she had been treated and viewed by all those outside. She had waited what seemed like a lifetime for the One Person that had the key to release her. For the One Person that was willing to bring her out of the darkness and accept her within the light. The One Person that could unlock the door to allow her to finally be free to fly. The One Person that could release her from the darkness she thought she would always be within.

As the door opened and the light He brought to her laid it’s beams upon her wings, they naturally spread as if she had always known how to fly. Yet, she was afraid of what lied beyond the door. At least in the darkness she knew what to expect. He didn’t drag her into the light, but instead patiently waited. He encouraged and offered support for her new life as she slowly left the darkness behind and stepped into the light. She knew that she owed everything to Him, for after all He was the one that held the key that would allow her to be who she has always been destined to be, and would completely accept her as she was.

As she emerged into the light, she knelt before Him in gratitude and reverence. She was beholden to the One true holder of the key that released her from the dungeon of herself to find the freedom in being all she can be. She knew that only with him would her wings spread wide and she would finally learn how to fly. He would nurture her soul and help her accept herself and all she is. She finally knew what it was like to find complete and total freedom in belonging to and giving herself to that One Person that had the ability to release her from the imprisonment of her own mind.

As tears of happiness rolled down her face, she took his outstretched hand to begin the Dauntless Journey down the path she had needed to be led down her entire life. She could finally feel her wings spread wider than they ever had before as she felt the care, love, and safety in his guidance. She was still afraid, but only of the unknown. Yet, she trusted Him with every ounce of her being, would give him her very best, and knew this was exactly where she was meant to be.


~DV~

Because He Said So…?

I have seen pictures and groups of pictures on tumblr, and other places for that matter, that are D/s and M/s and BDSM related with the words “Because He said So”.  I will say that as a Dominant I do adhere to this mantra, but there are some caveats to this as well. 
For the uninformed, uneducated, and ignorant people of this world, it’s these caveats that hold the true meaning behind these words. This is not a blanket statement, right, or entitlement that gives an alleged Master/Dom the right to demand anything he wants, expect it to be done or carried out, and then get mad when it doesn’t happen.  Listen to this very carefully…You are not entitled to a single thing just because you call yourself a Master or a Dom.  You don’t automatically have the right to expect anything just “Because You Said So” because you have proclaimed yourself as having a title.  
So what does it mean when you hear “Because He Said So…”?
It means the sub/slave has given him that right and authority over her. It means she has consented this power to such a person. It’s because she sees and feels him as worthy of such power and control. It’s because he has earned the right to be able to be that way with her. It’s because he has earned her respect in the Dominant position h has with her. It’s because he has put in the time, effort and work to get t that point with her.
For me personally, when I see those words it’s not just those words alone that resonate with me.  It’s the entire dynamic of the power exchange relationship, all it takes and all the two of you have gone through together to reach a place where “Because He Said So…” is a reality and has true depth and meaning.  It is a very special feeling and place to be when you reach this together.  But it is not something that you can instantly demand and expect.  
Earn your place with her.  Put in the time and effort she deserves.  Earn your title with her, because she feels it and bestows it upon you, not because you hereby declare it for yourself.  Anyone can call themselves whatever they like.  Having someone else see you as that person and give themselves to you as that person in your life… that is the true blessing. You don’t have a right and aren’t entitled to anything.  You do have the right to earn what you want and strive to achieve your goals.  
When the title as her Master or Dominant has been earned, and she sees you as worthy of that position over her, that is much more gratifying and fulfills a level of accomplishment than anything ever demanded without effort.  And when you get that from her, that is when you can truly say… “Becasue I Said So…”!
~DV~

Control In Daily Life…

Every relationship involves two people.  Two people that rely on each other to meet their needs, make them feel good, and to make them feel fulfilled.  It’s a bond they felt from the start and has grown deeper as the relationship has progressed.  It involves a lot of trust, communication and mutual respect.  A power exchange relationship (D/s, M/s, etc…) is no exception to this, and may even have some of these characteristics that are even more prevalent than their vanilla counterparts.As we all know, much of what those of this in this lifestyle do and portray is very sexual in nature.  Whether it’s written blogs, websites, Fetlife, Tumblr, or whatever the case may be, what we run across more times than not is the sexual elements.  This may be justified to some degree, as much of the time these relationships are about sexual Domination and submission.  Yet, I think it’s the aspects of these relationships outside of the sexual realm that are the foundation that makes them strong.  It’s the day to day interactions and normal daily life that people build lasting relationships upon, and not wild unadulterated sex, although we will all agree that is the fun part of this.

For many people it seems to be easy to engage in some type power exchange relationship sexually.  Yet, when it comes to daily life decisions it seems to be more difficult.  People appear to have a harder time taking or giving up control in daily life than they do with giving up control of their own bodies.  For me personally as a Dominant, part of my rules is that I have the last word and the power to make all decisions.  I want my partners views, thoughts, and opinions, and will always take that into account, but in the end I have the say.  That doesn’t mean I want total control, that I’m overly Domineering, or that it’s my way or nothing by any means.  It just establishes the boundaries for which we will conduct ourselves.  This rule is easy to say but is much harder for both people to actually carry out.

There are times that I may make decisions and that is the end of discussion.  Yet, more times than not, it is a combination of my own decision and my subs decision.  I don’t conduct my relationship as a dictatorship or like a communist regime.  I don’t want a mindless sub or slave.  I want someone that can contribute to our relationship to make us both better and stronger.  I want someone who can think for themselves and will also make decisions that are for the betterment of us.

Giving up control on decisions that affect your life and will have long term consequences can be scary.  It takes a lot of trust and respect for the other person, and this can take a long time to develop.  So least to say, when my sub comes to me to help her make life decisions it can be very gratifying.  It shows me the depth of what we have fostered together.  It shows me the true submission she has towards me in letting me in to make these decisions for her.  It shows me the trust she has in me to make decisions that could affect and alter her life long term.  This could be financially related, about a career or job position, a situation with a friend, one of the children, or any number of possible scenarios.  She knows that based on our relationship dynamic my opinion carries a lot of weight, and she will likely have to go with my stance on the matter.  Ultimately, this is what she needs and expects of me, though.  This is the leader she needs me to be.  Even still, I don’t just tell her what to do and nothing else is allowed, but rather try to equip her with information to make an informed decision on her own.  A true leader doesn’t demand, he inspires.

For a Dominant that lives this lifestyle and conducts his relationship within a power exchange dynamic, in all aspects of a relationship and not just sexually, trust and respect are everything.  These are attributes that are earned and gained.  So, having your submissive trust you in all aspects of your relationship, and to make decisions that are potentially life altering, is such a satisfaction.  It can make you beam inside with delight in seeing the depth your relationship has reached and just how how far the two of you have come together.  With this comes a lot of responsibility.  You have to make sure you are ready and able to carry that weight on your shoulders and live with the consequences of your actions.  Those actions affect not only you, but also your partner.  I am more than willing to accept this responsibility.  After all, reaching this point is what we have been striving for as part of the progression of what we have and both need, or at leas it should be, as part of our power exchange dynamic and relationship.

Beaten With Love…

Over the past year or more there has been a lot of attention brought to domestic violence, and rightfully so.  With a lot of high profile domestic abuse cases, mostly it seems in sports, this has become one of the hot topics of the moment.  I stand behind this movement and believe there is no place for abuse of any kind in a relationship, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.  There is no place for abuse in any relationship.  Read that again if you need to do so.  Being this way with your partner comes from a place of anger, rage, fear, and/or a loss of control.  I tend to think that a person that abuses their partner sees themselves as less than or weaker and they are trying to prove or exert some kind of power play against their partner to convince that person, and even themselves, of their strength and power.  There is no place for abuse of any kind.

Having said that, it may seem hypocritical to purposely inflict pain upon your partner, or even have a desire to do so.  Yet, within the BDSM lifestyle, or some type of power exchange relationship, many times this is exactly what occurs.  There is one big distinction, however, between what we do in this lifestyle and what happens in abuse situations.  It’s called…CONSENT!

In abuse cases, there is no consent.  It is done against the other persons will and desire.  It is unwanted treatment done with the intent to cause harm and fear.  In BDSM, there is (or should be) full consent, and even a desire by both persons for the activity.  In some instances it is even done for sexual gratification.  I’m not going to get into the full legal issues surrounding this, as that isn’t the point of this post.  But I will mention that I read in another blog post recently about a case, I believe in England, where some individuals were found guilty of a crime even though they had full consent.  So please be aware of the laws in your region and how this type activity is perceived, viewed, and the potential consequences.

There are many reasons why people within the BDSM community may engage in activities involving pain.  It could be to push submission.  It could be to feed someones masochistic side.  It could be to feed someones sadistic side.  It could be for punishment.  There are many aspects of this lifestyle that can involve pain and physical infliction upon another person.  The biggest difference in what is done in this lifestyle is that it is not out of anger or rage.  It is very calculated and controlled when it is done.  It is done with a purpose.  It is done in a specific way that is planned and intended.  It is done with the receivers full consent, and always with their safety and well being in mind and at the forefront.  In having a safe word in place, the receiver/sub can even stop it immediately, no questions asked.

For me personally, I think my use of pain in a Dominant/submissive relationship is twofold.  One, over the years I have found and discovered my desire for pain infliction, at least on the mild side.  I will be the first to tell you I have a slight sadistic side I didn’t know was there years ago.  This was brought out by being involved with some submissives that also had a need to receive assorted inflicted pain.  Second, I have learned of my desire to inflict pain from a place of love and care.  that’s right…I said my sadistic side is played out with love and care.

Now you might ask, how can you possibly inflict pain on someone out of love?  It took me a while to grasp this concept myself.  I believe that as a Dominant, if you have a submissive that needs to feel pain, or physical force from you, then it’s part of the dynamic the two of you have.  My submissive very well may need to feel the pain.  She can be masochistic on some level and have a need to feel that from me.  This can be multi-layered as to why she needs it, in being the pain helps in feel my control and Dominance, it makes her feel her place as my submissive, it gives her the physical force she needs to feel herself endure for me, and maybe even be something that arouses her in a sexual way.  So, when it’s something she needs from me and our relationship, I may be doing it for my own fulfillment, but it’s also done out of love and care for her and her need and desire to feel that from me.

Any relationship is about being with someone because you enjoy them and they meet your needs.  Any person that is with someone that doesn’t meet there needs, won’t stay there for long.  There is no point in being with someone that leaves you unfulfilled and leaves a huge void for you.  In being able to live out my sadistic side, and even explore it further, I am also feeding her masochistic side.  I am giving her what she needs from me because I care.  Because I want to give that to her.  Because she means something to me.  I would even go as far to say that not giving her the pain and force she desires and needs from me, thereby leaving her lacking in our relationship, is more harmful to her mentally and emotionally than any form of pain I can inflict.  Yet, always and in all manners, inflicting pain is done under complete control, never when mad or angry, and with a purpose.

I think this is a perfectly good example of why this is referred to as an alternate lifestyle.  It goes against many of the norms of how people should be treated and what is expected in our society.  It is an alternate way of seeing and conducting a relationship.  Yet, when it is needed and desired by both partners, it can become a true bonding experience and bring you both closer.  It can strengthen the trust you have for each other, and make your relationship stronger.  I affectionately refer to this as “Beating her with Love”.  Because that’s exactly what it is… giving her the pain and force she needs from me in a caring and loving way and with care and love as the full intent behind it.

The Time And Effort She Deserves…

There are a lot of different facets to this lifestyle.  There are many ways to go about carrying out the power exchange dynamics we all enjoy, and none of them are wrong.  We all go about doing things a little different and in ways that work best for us and our relationships.  Yet, there are some similarities across all of the dynamics in how a Dominant needs to conduct himself.  There are certain behaviors that I see as being mandatory and not up for discussion.

Anyone can cause pain and create marks on someone else.  Anyone can be aggressive and controlling.  Anyone can spend a little time in a scene with someone and push their limits.  The pain will go away.  The bruises will go away.  The marks will eventually fade and go away.  As a Dominant, it's the way you treat your submissive outside of these times that will stay with her and will last.

A Dominant has to give his submissive care and support throughout their relationship.  He has to offer reassurance and encouragement.  He has to make her feel appreciated for her submission, what she is willing to endure for him, and even as the woman she is in being his partner.  This sin't something that is only part of a scene together.  It has to be part of the entire relationship, every single day.  It is this being there for her, and helping support her in being who she is for you, that will last and stick in her mind.  It is being treated like she is important and that you care that will stay with her most.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many "Dominants" think being Dominant is just about the scene, using her sexually, or making her suffer pain.  They just want the action and fun and then are on their way.  They don't understand aftercare and the importance of it.  They don't understand continual ongoing care and the importance of it.  They don't understand that it's the time between your scenes that are most important.  This time is what helps her process what happened, gives her constant reassurance, and makes her want and need more from you.

A Dominant cannot just be  part of the scene and then disappear or not put forth any effort.  It's this effort that solidifies and reinforces who she is and what she gives.  She cannot be left floundering on her own to deal with everything.  As a Dominant, you have asked for her submission and she has given it to you, so you have to be willing and able to take her on.  Her submission is not just about the actual physical acts, but helping her learn and grow in addition to that as well.  If left to herself she will not be getting what she needs from you.  She will withdraw.  She will lose trust in you as her Dominant.  She will lose respect for you as her Dominant.  Ultimately this will mean you lose her submission to you.  Once this happens, it will be very difficult to regain, if not impossible.

A power exchange relationship, of whatever dynamic you choose, is a constant ongoing process and exchange.  It's not just for the fun aspects and when it's convenient.  When you invest yourself and your time into your partner, you can find more than you ever dreamed and get more from your partner than you ever knew you could have.  If you don't give the time and effort, you are doomed to fail.  She is worth and deserves that effort from you as her Dominant.  Don't be that guy that just uses her for your own enjoyment and pushes her aside.  Be the Dominant she needs all the time.  I promise you will get more in return than you ever imagined, and it will continue to only get better.

~DV~

The Duality of Domination…

Certainly there are many ways to go about participating in this lifestyle. We all have our own way of doing it. We all need different things from it. Yet, the common core of it is Domination by one person and submission by the other within a relationship together. This aspect is something that both people need for their respective roles.  It's a part of who they are and they don't feel complete without it.

There are two sides, or a duality, to the roles we choose to adhere to within this lifestyle. There is an active side and passive side. Meaning, you can actively Dominate or submit, or you can passively Dominate or submit.  As a Dominant, submission from your partner is gained over time. It is earned. You become respected in your role as a Dominant by your actions and being the person the submissive has come to need, desire, and crave. You didn't get that submission by just sitting around, beating your chest, roaring, and calling yourself a Dominant.  You didn't get that submission by just demanding submission. You gained it over time by actively being the Dominant you claim to be.  You got it by your actions reinforcing your words. You got it by assuming and taking on that Dominant role and the submissive being able to see and believe in you as that leader.

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The Fear Of Fantasies…

Dominants and submissives alike often times have trouble coming to terms with the things they fantasize.  With the things they find themselves desiring.  With the things they find themselves craving within this lifestyle.  Although, I do think it is harder for a female submissive to come to terms with than it is for the Dominant.  The main reason for this?  They are looking at and comparing themselves incorrectly.As a Dominant, I have had the pleasure of dealing with quite a few female submissives.  Some were in real time and real life, while others were by some sort of electronic means in offering advice, answering questions, giving guidance, etc…  In my approach, as many of my followers know, I require complete open and honest communication.  I do not allowing hiding, running away, or avoid the truth.  I will require to know her thoughts desires, fantasies, what thoughts she masturbates, to, and what really gets her off.  I think this is vitally important so that I can understand her, see how she thinks, and what she needs as a submissive.  Without this information, how can I possibly be a Dominant towards her?!?!

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