Why the violent orgasm? Why the taking and the biting and the rough?
There has been a lot of vitriol about the Duggars these days. Finally, the nonreligious are exulting, another religious leader has turned out to be a hypocrite, proving both him and his religion to be worthless. They are patriarchal fanatics who make their wives submit. I’ve read several articles along these lines, and they have something worthwhile to say. Articles with titles like “Anna Duggar Won’t Leave Her Cheating, Anti-LGBT Husband” and “I Was Almost Anna Duggar.” It seems the religious group the Duggars are associated with puts all blame on the woman to be sexually pure and submissive and the husband to be filled with insane, Satanic lusts he must flee from, and his wife must help him in this duty by being available to him. Women are kept in repressive, abusive marriages because they are denied an education, job experience, or any reproductive freedom.
Yet these things just aren’t true.
She had abolished herself within the dark dungeon because of the way she had been treated and viewed by all those outside. She had waited what seemed like a lifetime for the One Person that had the key to release her. For the One Person that was willing to bring her out of the darkness and accept her within the light. The One Person that could unlock the door to allow her to finally be free to fly. The One Person that could release her from the darkness she thought she would always be within.
As the door opened and the light He brought to her laid it’s beams upon her wings, they naturally spread as if she had always known how to fly. Yet, she was afraid of what lied beyond the door. At least in the darkness she knew what to expect. He didn’t drag her into the light, but instead patiently waited. He encouraged and offered support for her new life as she slowly left the darkness behind and stepped into the light. She knew that she owed everything to Him, for after all He was the one that held the key that would allow her to be who she has always been destined to be, and would completely accept her as she was.
As tears of happiness rolled down her face, she took his outstretched hand to begin the Dauntless Journey down the path she had needed to be led down her entire life. She could finally feel her wings spread wider than they ever had before as she felt the care, love, and safety in his guidance. She was still afraid, but only of the unknown. Yet, she trusted Him with every ounce of her being, would give him her very best, and knew this was exactly where she was meant to be.
There's domination, rape, when I'm very lucky bondage. (He likes to use his hands, bore!)
I feel so close to him during the day. We laugh a lot together. I think about how good our marriage is and how happy I am.
Sometimes, our sex life is not so great. He seems lazy and uninspired; he tells me he's busy at work. I understand this, but I yearn. I want to be passive, not the one who has to entice and convince and hope and climb on top. I'm disappointed. He pokes around with the lack of skill I imagine a teenage boy would have. He comes too soon. He takes too long to come. He does not want to dominate me.
When those bad times happen, he tells me he's tired, it's just a fluke. When the good times happen he retroactively acts like he planned it all along. Oh, I meant to pretend to fall asleep and upset you and then wake up and rape you. I totally meant to have sex on a fertile day even before you begged me for it. Part of me wants to rejoice that we're so in tune. But the other part of me thinks, is this too in tune? If the bad occasions are a fluke, is it probable the good ones are, too?
Every relationship involves two people. Two people that rely on each other to meet their needs, make them feel good, and to make them feel fulfilled. It’s a bond they felt from the start and has grown deeper as the relationship has progressed. It involves a lot of trust, communication and mutual respect. A power exchange relationship (D/s, M/s, etc…) is no exception to this, and may even have some of these characteristics that are even more prevalent than their vanilla counterparts.As we all know, much of what those of this in this lifestyle do and portray is very sexual in nature. Whether it’s written blogs, websites, Fetlife, Tumblr, or whatever the case may be, what we run across more times than not is the sexual elements. This may be justified to some degree, as much of the time these relationships are about sexual Domination and submission. Yet, I think it’s the aspects of these relationships outside of the sexual realm that are the foundation that makes them strong. It’s the day to day interactions and normal daily life that people build lasting relationships upon, and not wild unadulterated sex, although we will all agree that is the fun part of this.
For many people it seems to be easy to engage in some type power exchange relationship sexually. Yet, when it comes to daily life decisions it seems to be more difficult. People appear to have a harder time taking or giving up control in daily life than they do with giving up control of their own bodies. For me personally as a Dominant, part of my rules is that I have the last word and the power to make all decisions. I want my partners views, thoughts, and opinions, and will always take that into account, but in the end I have the say. That doesn’t mean I want total control, that I’m overly Domineering, or that it’s my way or nothing by any means. It just establishes the boundaries for which we will conduct ourselves. This rule is easy to say but is much harder for both people to actually carry out.
There are times that I may make decisions and that is the end of discussion. Yet, more times than not, it is a combination of my own decision and my subs decision. I don’t conduct my relationship as a dictatorship or like a communist regime. I don’t want a mindless sub or slave. I want someone that can contribute to our relationship to make us both better and stronger. I want someone who can think for themselves and will also make decisions that are for the betterment of us.
Giving up control on decisions that affect your life and will have long term consequences can be scary. It takes a lot of trust and respect for the other person, and this can take a long time to develop. So least to say, when my sub comes to me to help her make life decisions it can be very gratifying. It shows me the depth of what we have fostered together. It shows me the true submission she has towards me in letting me in to make these decisions for her. It shows me the trust she has in me to make decisions that could affect and alter her life long term. This could be financially related, about a career or job position, a situation with a friend, one of the children, or any number of possible scenarios. She knows that based on our relationship dynamic my opinion carries a lot of weight, and she will likely have to go with my stance on the matter. Ultimately, this is what she needs and expects of me, though. This is the leader she needs me to be. Even still, I don’t just tell her what to do and nothing else is allowed, but rather try to equip her with information to make an informed decision on her own. A true leader doesn’t demand, he inspires.
For a Dominant that lives this lifestyle and conducts his relationship within a power exchange dynamic, in all aspects of a relationship and not just sexually, trust and respect are everything. These are attributes that are earned and gained. So, having your submissive trust you in all aspects of your relationship, and to make decisions that are potentially life altering, is such a satisfaction. It can make you beam inside with delight in seeing the depth your relationship has reached and just how how far the two of you have come together. With this comes a lot of responsibility. You have to make sure you are ready and able to carry that weight on your shoulders and live with the consequences of your actions. Those actions affect not only you, but also your partner. I am more than willing to accept this responsibility. After all, reaching this point is what we have been striving for as part of the progression of what we have and both need, or at leas it should be, as part of our power exchange dynamic and relationship.
Having said that, it may seem hypocritical to purposely inflict pain upon your partner, or even have a desire to do so. Yet, within the BDSM lifestyle, or some type of power exchange relationship, many times this is exactly what occurs. There is one big distinction, however, between what we do in this lifestyle and what happens in abuse situations. It’s called…CONSENT!
In abuse cases, there is no consent. It is done against the other persons will and desire. It is unwanted treatment done with the intent to cause harm and fear. In BDSM, there is (or should be) full consent, and even a desire by both persons for the activity. In some instances it is even done for sexual gratification. I’m not going to get into the full legal issues surrounding this, as that isn’t the point of this post. But I will mention that I read in another blog post recently about a case, I believe in England, where some individuals were found guilty of a crime even though they had full consent. So please be aware of the laws in your region and how this type activity is perceived, viewed, and the potential consequences.
There are many reasons why people within the BDSM community may engage in activities involving pain. It could be to push submission. It could be to feed someones masochistic side. It could be to feed someones sadistic side. It could be for punishment. There are many aspects of this lifestyle that can involve pain and physical infliction upon another person. The biggest difference in what is done in this lifestyle is that it is not out of anger or rage. It is very calculated and controlled when it is done. It is done with a purpose. It is done in a specific way that is planned and intended. It is done with the receivers full consent, and always with their safety and well being in mind and at the forefront. In having a safe word in place, the receiver/sub can even stop it immediately, no questions asked.
For me personally, I think my use of pain in a Dominant/submissive relationship is twofold. One, over the years I have found and discovered my desire for pain infliction, at least on the mild side. I will be the first to tell you I have a slight sadistic side I didn’t know was there years ago. This was brought out by being involved with some submissives that also had a need to receive assorted inflicted pain. Second, I have learned of my desire to inflict pain from a place of love and care. that’s right…I said my sadistic side is played out with love and care.
Now you might ask, how can you possibly inflict pain on someone out of love? It took me a while to grasp this concept myself. I believe that as a Dominant, if you have a submissive that needs to feel pain, or physical force from you, then it’s part of the dynamic the two of you have. My submissive very well may need to feel the pain. She can be masochistic on some level and have a need to feel that from me. This can be multi-layered as to why she needs it, in being the pain helps in feel my control and Dominance, it makes her feel her place as my submissive, it gives her the physical force she needs to feel herself endure for me, and maybe even be something that arouses her in a sexual way. So, when it’s something she needs from me and our relationship, I may be doing it for my own fulfillment, but it’s also done out of love and care for her and her need and desire to feel that from me.
Any relationship is about being with someone because you enjoy them and they meet your needs. Any person that is with someone that doesn’t meet there needs, won’t stay there for long. There is no point in being with someone that leaves you unfulfilled and leaves a huge void for you. In being able to live out my sadistic side, and even explore it further, I am also feeding her masochistic side. I am giving her what she needs from me because I care. Because I want to give that to her. Because she means something to me. I would even go as far to say that not giving her the pain and force she desires and needs from me, thereby leaving her lacking in our relationship, is more harmful to her mentally and emotionally than any form of pain I can inflict. Yet, always and in all manners, inflicting pain is done under complete control, never when mad or angry, and with a purpose.
I think this is a perfectly good example of why this is referred to as an alternate lifestyle. It goes against many of the norms of how people should be treated and what is expected in our society. It is an alternate way of seeing and conducting a relationship. Yet, when it is needed and desired by both partners, it can become a true bonding experience and bring you both closer. It can strengthen the trust you have for each other, and make your relationship stronger. I affectionately refer to this as “Beating her with Love”. Because that’s exactly what it is… giving her the pain and force she needs from me in a caring and loving way and with care and love as the full intent behind it.
The rush of emotion is divine. Subspace pulls me in. I feel like weeping. I am conquered, controlled, loved, and captivated.
The words are powerful. "I own you."
And so I feel owned.
Anyone can cause pain and create marks on someone else. Anyone can be aggressive and controlling. Anyone can spend a little time in a scene with someone and push their limits. The pain will go away. The bruises will go away. The marks will eventually fade and go away. As a Dominant, it's the way you treat your submissive outside of these times that will stay with her and will last.
A Dominant has to give his submissive care and support throughout their relationship. He has to offer reassurance and encouragement. He has to make her feel appreciated for her submission, what she is willing to endure for him, and even as the woman she is in being his partner. This sin't something that is only part of a scene together. It has to be part of the entire relationship, every single day. It is this being there for her, and helping support her in being who she is for you, that will last and stick in her mind. It is being treated like she is important and that you care that will stay with her most.
It never ceases to amaze me how so many "Dominants" think being Dominant is just about the scene, using her sexually, or making her suffer pain. They just want the action and fun and then are on their way. They don't understand aftercare and the importance of it. They don't understand continual ongoing care and the importance of it. They don't understand that it's the time between your scenes that are most important. This time is what helps her process what happened, gives her constant reassurance, and makes her want and need more from you.
A Dominant cannot just be part of the scene and then disappear or not put forth any effort. It's this effort that solidifies and reinforces who she is and what she gives. She cannot be left floundering on her own to deal with everything. As a Dominant, you have asked for her submission and she has given it to you, so you have to be willing and able to take her on. Her submission is not just about the actual physical acts, but helping her learn and grow in addition to that as well. If left to herself she will not be getting what she needs from you. She will withdraw. She will lose trust in you as her Dominant. She will lose respect for you as her Dominant. Ultimately this will mean you lose her submission to you. Once this happens, it will be very difficult to regain, if not impossible.
A power exchange relationship, of whatever dynamic you choose, is a constant ongoing process and exchange. It's not just for the fun aspects and when it's convenient. When you invest yourself and your time into your partner, you can find more than you ever dreamed and get more from your partner than you ever knew you could have. If you don't give the time and effort, you are doomed to fail. She is worth and deserves that effort from you as her Dominant. Don't be that guy that just uses her for your own enjoyment and pushes her aside. Be the Dominant she needs all the time. I promise you will get more in return than you ever imagined, and it will continue to only get better.