The Mental and Emotional Benefits…

I read a post a week ago by P Surren titled “Statistics is Becoming a Real Pain in My Ass”.  Most of the

post was about her struggles with her statistics class and how much she hates and doesn’t understand it.  But that’s not what the main point of the post was, at least not to me.  You see, as much as she was struggling and stressing over it, it was the spanking her Daddy gave her that helped get her focused and back on track.

We are all involved in this lifestyle for many reasons.  We all get something from it and need things from it that help us stay in balance and feeling our best.  Without it, we feel as though we are lacking or missing something.  There is a void.  Sometimes it’s the physical aspects we need.  Sometimes it’s the mental and emotional calmness it gives us.  And sometimes it is the combination of it all.

As much as we all read and see the sexual aspects of this lifestyle, it’s not always about the sex.  It’s what is behind the sex that we thrive on.  It’s the power and control that drives us.  For some, it’s giving up that power and control.  For others, it’s having it and being able to exert it.  Yes, that may bring about the sexual play and arousal, but it’s the power, or lack thereof, that we need the most.

In the case of P Surren it had nothing at all do to with sex, and I think in the day to day lives we lead within this lifestyle, that is typically the case.  It’s being in our roles and place for each other within our relationships. There are submissives that need the guidance, leadership and Dominance of their partner, and there are the Dominants that need to be able to lead, be in control, and have the submission of their partner.  Each one works together to be what the other needs.  Each feeds off the other.  We need this exchange back and forth to be able to be who we are, to feel right, and to feel like ourselves…to feel balanced and centered…to feel focused.

For P Surren, she was off-kilter, couldn’t focus, and was really stressed and having a hard time.  Her Daddy recognized this, called her aside, and gave her the spanking she needed to be able to let go of the stress, clear her mind, and get back on track.  What it the spanking itself?  Was it her Daddy stepping up, taking the lead, recognizing her problem, and taking action with his Dominant position?  I believe it was a combination of both.  It was both of these things that she needed to relieve her stress, be able to feel more like herself, and get re-balanced.

I think this speaks loudly to the essence of what this lifestyle is and means to us.  It’s not just about the sex, or bondage, or wild play.  It’s about the peace and serenity it gives us.  It’s about the benefits we see on a mental and emotional level from being involved in a power exchange relationship.  In no way is this what everyone likes or needs, or is it for everyone.  Yet, I think the basis of it is pretty much the same for us all.  It centers around the exchange of power and roles in the relationship, and just how much we really do need that in our lives.  It helps provide the balance we need to feel like ourselves through the expression of this give and take of Power and Dominance.

This is certainly not just geared towards the submissive either.  I think this is just as much of a need for the Dominant.  As much as the submissive needs to feel this power over her, the Dominant needs to feel his power and control and know that it is expected of him, accepted from him, and that his actions in being this way do have great benefits to his submissive.  In the case of P Surren, I’m sure her Daddy got just as much from the spanking as she did.  There is no better feeling for a Dominant than the satisfaction of seeing his submissive happy and content from his Dominance, and knowing she is that way because of him.

We all gain from this, Dominant and submissive alike.  The mental and emotional benefits for us are great.  And when everyone is happy and content, the rest of the relationship will be able to flourish and go farther as well.  So, go do some spanking, or whatever activity you prefer, and find your balance and happiness.  It’s waiting for you!

Life Lessons BDSM Taught Me…

For those that don’t know, I reside in the southeastern US.  Yes, you know the place…where everyone allegedly wears overalls, makes moonshine, is missing half their teeth, talks with a severe drawl, dates an marries their cousins, drive s pickup truck, goes muddin’ on Saturday night….you know all the stereotypes.  Compared to many areas of the country, this area is very conservative and set in their ways and thinking.   I live in the bible belt where you go to church or your going to hell.  I’ve yet to figure that one out…isn’t there some type of requirement to believe God or something?!?!  Anyway, no matter what anyone says, race is still a big issue in the south as well.  Alternate lifestyles…holy crap!  The thought of BDSM, same sex relationships, or anything else out of the ordinary, is almost enough to give some people a heart attack or stroke right on the spot.

Read moreLife Lessons BDSM Taught Me…

Advice For New Dominant…

I was recently asked on tumblr… What advice would you give to someone just starting to embrace his Dominant side?

This is a great question.  Most of the time the questions revolve around the sub, so having one about the Dom is nice.  The first thing I will tell you is to have an open mind and realize that the things you want is ok to want.  It may be against many societal norms, and against how we as men are taught to treat a woman, but that doesn’t make it wrong.  The key to this is consent from the sub.  You shouldn’t treat just anyone as if you are Dominant, but to Your sub, as long as it’s consensual and something you both want and need, it’s perfectly acceptable and is what works for the two of you.  Coming to terms with this mentally can be hard for many Doms.  

Second, you need to learn and figure out what you need as a Dom, what you like and don’t like, and what kind of Dom you are.  This isn’t something that comes quickly and sometimes comes with trial and error.  Just because you see it on tumblr, or read it somewhere doesn’t mean you have to do it or be like that to be a Dom.  That’s the beauty of this…you can figure out what you like, and leave the rest behind.  there is no right or wrong way to do this, only the way that works best fr you.  Everyone is different and an individual, so they need to find what they need and works for them.  Along this same line, is finding a sub that matches well with your own likes and dislikes.  You have to be on the same page or it will never work.  If you have a sadist streak and she isn’t at all masochist, then that will be a real problem.  So, you have to learn and know yourself, as well as learn and know your sub.  

Third…trust, respect and communication…to me the pillars of a D/s relationship.  Being able to be completely open and discuss things with your sub is essential.  Trust and respect goes both directions, from sub to Dom and Dom to sub.  These things are not something Dom can be require or demand…they are earned.  And to earn these things takes time.  You also have to understand that trust and respect can be easily lost, and very hard, if not impossible, to regain.  So be mindful of this, because without trust and respect for each other, you have nothing in a D/s relationship.  

Last, but certainly not least, you never know it all and are never God’s gift to all the submissive’s in the world.  Treat all people in the lifestyle with dignity and respect.  It can take a long while to learn and find your way, but that’s half the fun of the journey.  You never know everything there is to know, no matter how long you have been in this lifestyle, and can always learn more and try to become better.  You are only Dom to the one that chooses to accept you in that role, not to everyone or anyone just because they declare they are submissive.  Even with the one you can call your own submissive, don’t discount her thoughts, views and opinions.  She can teach you just as well as you can her.  She may see something differently than you that you haven’t thought of before.  You don’t just get to tell and control, more often than not you have to listen.  

Believe in yourself and believe in her.  Work together to grow, progress and become more and better.  It’s a lot of work and effort but the rewards are well worth it.  Hope this helps give you some points to think about and get you in the right direction.

~DV~

Submission vs Obedience…

I was recently asked about the difference between submission and obedience.  This is something that I have had in my head but never put a lot of thought into before.  I actually had to take some time to think about this and how I see the difference, which was harder to explain than I first thought it would be.  I had plenty of thoughts on this, but actually putting it into words was a bit ore difficult than I thought it would be.  

With a little help from my close friend google, I came up with a pretty clear picture of what was dancing around in that Dom space between my ears.  Obedience and submission are not one in the same, although similar.  Obedience is a matter of conscience and outward behavior.  It is the act of completing a task.  It is the actual action, so to speak.  Obedience isn't necessarily submitting, but I think it is a part of submission.  

Read moreSubmission vs Obedience…

Transitioning to D/s… (Part 1)

I have been asked many times over the years which I think is easier...starting a relationship with a D/s dynamic or transforming an existing relationship into a D/s dynamic.  I even receive messages from people in existing relationships that want to bring D/s into what they have, and asking for help and advice.  Whether just starting out or being in an existing relationship, each has their good and bad points.  But by far I think it's easier to start a relationship with D/s in mind than to change over an existing relationship.  This doesn't mean that it can't be done by any means.  I just believe it to be easier to start fresh with D/s in mind.

Read moreTransitioning to D/s… (Part 1)

Twas The Day Before Christmas (A Kink Poem)…

Twas the day before Christmas, and all through kink-land Asses were stinging, from receiving firm hands The subs were all hung, from the rafters with care They were told to watch the attitude, but sassy still they dared Floggers and paddles, whips and canes Lashed at their skin, delivering sweet pain They tried to deny, the joy that it brings By crying tears, and letting out screams But the Doms knew better, the sub's bodies betray No way they can hide, their heated display The wetness glistens, as it builds more and more For the most turned on, the evidence drips to the floor Released from their hanging, and held very tight The subs felt lovely safety, in the arms of their Knights This didn't last, as the Doms were not done He now was to show her, she was the one The one that he owns, and belongs to him He can take her whenever, at his own whim He flipped her over, grabbed a fistful of hair She his possession, her body he wouldn't spare He plunged into her, so forceful and deep She let out a moan, knowing she was his to keep He took what was his, and still she wanted more She needed to feel, her body used and sore This is who she is, it's who she needs to be It's what's she's dreamed of, bowing from her knees Together they fit, like a glove made for each Reaching new heights, as one they will reach Each with the need, for what the other gives Every single day, this is how they want to live With collars cinched on, and ropes secured tight I wish you all, a Merry Christmas day and night Merry Christmas Everyone! ~DV~