Abuse, Intimacy, and BDSM

I’ve been reading the genius S&M feminist writer Clarisse Thorn once again. Her post, “S&M Aftercare… or Brainwashing?” was, as always for Clarisse, a gem. She is such a great writer and does a great job with tough topics like BDSM and abuse, rape, and nonconsent.

This post was all about the similarities between BDSM and abuse and how to tell the difference. There are many articles about this on the web, and it’s a popular topic for bloggers. I’m proud of the BDSM community for working so hard to make clear boundaries of what is and is not abuse to keep its members safer.

Clarisse Thorn bravely points out that having an orgasm or enjoying a sexual act does not mean you gave your consent. She quotes one of her readers:

And part of that mechanism, that involves the desire for the abuse to continue, is that many of us are designed to want more intimacy once intimacy has been initiated with a person. Many of us don’t want to be left.

This is terrifying and real for those of us who have been abused. You hate it, but you want more of it. You hate it, but you enjoy it. You hate it, but you are aroused by it. You hate it, but you have an orgasm from it. You hate it, but you feel loved and desired anyway.

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A Hole in My Heart

I miss BDSM.

I miss the sense of security it gave me. I miss the overwhelming awe and respect I felt for my husband when he had completely overpowered me. I miss the heartrending sobbing that he forced out of me, when I was finally pushed over the edge of my own control and I lost it, and how finally after that I would feel so calm and relaxed. I miss the surge of relaxation that laps through my body when he takes me by the throat. I miss the security of knowing their are consequences when I do something wrong.

I miss it.

My Dom knows this, but he is not interested in engaging in BDSM again anytime soon.

He has several good reasons, although they are hard for me to understand.

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