Advice For New Dominant…

I was recently asked on tumblr… What advice would you give to someone just starting to embrace his Dominant side?

This is a great question.  Most of the time the questions revolve around the sub, so having one about the Dom is nice.  The first thing I will tell you is to have an open mind and realize that the things you want is ok to want.  It may be against many societal norms, and against how we as men are taught to treat a woman, but that doesn’t make it wrong.  The key to this is consent from the sub.  You shouldn’t treat just anyone as if you are Dominant, but to Your sub, as long as it’s consensual and something you both want and need, it’s perfectly acceptable and is what works for the two of you.  Coming to terms with this mentally can be hard for many Doms.  

Second, you need to learn and figure out what you need as a Dom, what you like and don’t like, and what kind of Dom you are.  This isn’t something that comes quickly and sometimes comes with trial and error.  Just because you see it on tumblr, or read it somewhere doesn’t mean you have to do it or be like that to be a Dom.  That’s the beauty of this…you can figure out what you like, and leave the rest behind.  there is no right or wrong way to do this, only the way that works best fr you.  Everyone is different and an individual, so they need to find what they need and works for them.  Along this same line, is finding a sub that matches well with your own likes and dislikes.  You have to be on the same page or it will never work.  If you have a sadist streak and she isn’t at all masochist, then that will be a real problem.  So, you have to learn and know yourself, as well as learn and know your sub.  

Third…trust, respect and communication…to me the pillars of a D/s relationship.  Being able to be completely open and discuss things with your sub is essential.  Trust and respect goes both directions, from sub to Dom and Dom to sub.  These things are not something Dom can be require or demand…they are earned.  And to earn these things takes time.  You also have to understand that trust and respect can be easily lost, and very hard, if not impossible, to regain.  So be mindful of this, because without trust and respect for each other, you have nothing in a D/s relationship.  

Last, but certainly not least, you never know it all and are never God’s gift to all the submissive’s in the world.  Treat all people in the lifestyle with dignity and respect.  It can take a long while to learn and find your way, but that’s half the fun of the journey.  You never know everything there is to know, no matter how long you have been in this lifestyle, and can always learn more and try to become better.  You are only Dom to the one that chooses to accept you in that role, not to everyone or anyone just because they declare they are submissive.  Even with the one you can call your own submissive, don’t discount her thoughts, views and opinions.  She can teach you just as well as you can her.  She may see something differently than you that you haven’t thought of before.  You don’t just get to tell and control, more often than not you have to listen.  

Believe in yourself and believe in her.  Work together to grow, progress and become more and better.  It’s a lot of work and effort but the rewards are well worth it.  Hope this helps give you some points to think about and get you in the right direction.


Kneeling Inspiration

Credit to author HERE

There is so much I could say about this, but I feel like I have already said it.  So…I will let this speak for itself.  It says so much that I could never put into words and do it justice.  I couldn’t have worded this better myself.


The Dimensions Of Experience

The sum of our experiences help form us and make us who we are today.  Our experiences help us learn and grow and progress.  A person can read and study and research all they want, but it’s the experience we gain along the way that is what brings it all together.  Nothing can replace experience and actually going through something.

I get emails on a fairly regular basis from people looking for advice and needing some information to better help them understand this lifestyle.  The one topic that seems to come up more than any other is the feeling of being lost.  It’s being in this lifestyle, having a relationship that has ended, and now feeling lost and completely out of sorts without the power exchange dynamic.

“So what do I do now?”
“I can’t imagine starting over in this again!”
“Do I just go back to being vanilla?”

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Not All Pain Lovers Are Masochistic

In this lifestyle we choose to be involved in, almost every relationship has some form of pain involved with it.  For some it may be very mild, or more of a discomfort.  For others it may be very intense and harsh.  There are those out there that love the feel of pain.  They get turned on by it, aroused, and need it as a part of their life and from the hands of their partner.  They are the masochists.  They can’t imagine going without being able to receive some sort of painful stimuli.

I think the true masochists are few and far between.  I believe that almost all submissives love, like, or learn to like some level of pain.  This does not make them masochistic.  For them it is not about the pain itself.  Pain is a side affect of the bigger picture.  For them it is about the act and the method in which the pain is received.  Most importantly, it is about the person inflicting the pain or discomfort.

For most submissives, pain from their Dominant is part of the relationship.  Whether that be spanking, nipple play, orgasm denial, or any number of other possibilities.  It the feeling they get from taking what their Dom dishes out.  It’s feeling the strength and power from his hands.  It’s being wiling to withstand what he does to her.  It’s feeling her own submission to him in giving herself completely to him for whatever he desires.  This isn’t necessarily about the pain itself.  It’s much more mental and emotional than just receiving pain.  It’s much more about her sense of belonging to him and giving all she has to give.

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Showing dominance in different ways

I think it’s so interesting how those of us in this community show our submission and dominance in different ways.

Some women have written that, as part of their submission, they always order for their husband at restaurants. For me, on the other hand, my husband and I are both more old fashioned. At restaurants, he usually asks me what I want, then communicates my order to the waiter. If I want a refill or some extra condiment, I ask him and he flags down the waiter to ask.

Sometimes I wonder if waiters think this is strange. But I like that my husband is taking this role to protect me and provide for me. He is old-fashioned and likes to treat me that way, opening my doors, getting my lunches ready in the morning, making sure scatterbrained me still has her purse and keys in the morning. You can sometimes see him carrying the baby and the diaper bag and my bags even when I offer to help. He does a great job taking care of me.

Sometimes he will grab me by the hair, kiss me or bite my neck, and then let me go a few minutes later to continue whatever I was doing when he interrupted me. I think he likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants. I think it makes him feel powerful.

Because he is so confident, my Dom is not very jealous or nit-picky. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit more stringent and super-corrective! He is very laid back and confident, so he does not feel threatened if I want to spend time with male friends or my family members. However, he makes sure that any male friends I have, he also knows and has spent time with. I have one male friend that he is comfortable me going to his house alone, because they are good friends and my Dom trusts him 100%. I have another friend that my Dom is good friends with and does not mind me going out to meet him at a public place like lunch, or even my friend coming to my house, but he does ask me not to go to his house alone. I’m not sure why, but I did as he told me.

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