Emotions

Some Words On "Being Broken"…

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There seems to have been a few posts lately in regards to a submissive being “broken” by her Dominant.  There have even been some tense moments where comments were left and discussions got a bit heated.  The fact of the matter is…we all have different views on what “being broken” is or means.  And this is one of those areas that tends to mean something completely different from one person to the next.

I think it is important to understand the context of what being broken means when it is discussed.  I think it also has a stereotype attached to it, much like this lifestyle.  That’s the irony of this…most of us know that the lifestyle we choose to live isn’t anything like the public image and how it’s perceived, and I think being broken is much the same.  It has a negative connotation that many people can’t see past.

This image, at least to me, is of a woman being completely stripped physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Down to a completely raw person that resembles nothing of their prior self.  This being done only to build and re-shape her the way someone else wants.  This type of treatment I do not condone or agree with.  For me this is not about completely breaking her down to make her what I want her to be.  I want my sub to be who she is and all of who she is, with my help of course.  I’m not here to change her.  I’m here to help bring out of her the parts she has inside that she may not be aware of or be comfortable expressing.

Sometimes to grow and progress we have to break through or break down walls.  In order to do this you have to push boundaries and limits.  You have to take a sub to the edge of this wall and then push some more.  You have to break her mentally or emotionally, but only in regards to this wall.  And once through the wall you must stop.  you don’t keep going.  Many times this is the hurdle she needed help getting over.  Once done, the path becomes much more clear for future growth and even bring you closer together as a couple.

An example of this is a conversation I had with a submissive once.  She was very into her relationship, trusted her Dom with all she had, and would have done anything for him.  She had found a love of spanking that she never knew she had.  One of her issues was opening up letting go emotionally.  She said that she rarely cried, especially from physical pain, and can remember this even as far back a a child.  She would bite her lip until it bled in an effort to take the pain and not let the tears flow from her eyes.  So, this is what she now wanted.  She wanted her Dom to take her, spank her, and help her break through this wall.  She wanted to be made to reach a point where letting go of it all was the only choice.  She wanted to be broken to the point of letting years of tears flow from her eyes.

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A New Understanding… Self-Discovery

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I have always been a proponent that certain things cannot be forced.  That has always been my approach to D/s.  As much as I can make demands, set rules, define the relationship, there are some things I just won’t do or force.  To me, there is much more to be gained with some things when they are discovered on their own by the submissive.

It is a sort of self-discovery.  Not as in finding oneself, but in realizing certain things and having that “Ah Ha Light bulb Moment”.  The one where something just all of sudden makes sense and was realized on her own.  Mostly this revolves around feelings and emotions.  Around her thinking and views about a particular subject.  For whatever reason, in that moment, it just clicks and now there is a completely new understanding.

As a Dom, I can tell her how things are going to be.  I can tell her how she should view something and how it will be viewed within our relationship.  She may accept that and go with it, but at that time it will just be there.  It’s like another rule.  It’s just something that is expected of her.

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Am I a Reflection?

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I was reading Storm’y blog today, and in it her Dom/husband said:

She’s a reflection on me, she’s part of me, and we both want to hold ourselves and each other to high standards as we go about our lives.

And then I think, “Am I a reflection of you?”

Does my husband see me as a reflection of himself? Sometimes I really wonder this.

I certainly see him as a reflection of me. I feel embarrassed when he does foolish things, proud when he does great things. I feel that to society, as well as to our family and friends, his choices and decisions mirror back onto me. I chose this man, his actions seem to say of me. Of all the men in the world, I chose this one to join my life to. What do you think of my choice?

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Such a simple touch

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Walking out of the restaurant, he grips the back of my neck. Squeezes gently.

I am happy. Relaxed.

He is showing his dominance to everyone around us.

But more than that. His love. His tenderness toward me. His caring.

His hand says, “I love this woman. She is mine.”

I feel lucky. I sigh, feeling the tension drain. Why do we not do this more often?

He holds my door open for me, gets me into my car and kisses me goodbye. The moment is broken, but not gone.

We drive our separate ways, him to his work, me to mine.

But that moment at lunch stays with me the rest of the day.

Temporary Equality

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For those of you not in 24/7 D/s relationships, how do you decide when and how to enter into the D/s aspect?
I’ve heard of methods people use to get into “the mode” of power exchange. For example:
Have you tried any of these? What about those of you in long-distance D/s or in D/s relationships with children or family around often so you have to appear more the norm when around them? How do you maintain the power exchange all the time, or do you go back and forth between D/s and “normal”?
With a baby and being so near our families, it’s harder to maintain a power exchange relationship. We don’t have time to spend doing things like spankings or kinky sex. He doesn’t seem to have the time or energy to micro-manage me or even to boss me around. Therefore, we’ve settled into more of a 60/40 relationship than a 90/10 or 100/0 like we were working toward several months ago.

Winning the Man-Hater Over

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“Your mom respects me,” my Dom told me a few days ago. “I can tell.”

My mom, if you haven’t read much of my blog, is what you would call a Strong, Independent Woman. She was more of a man than my father was when we were growing up; not only was she the nurturer and loving, emotional one, but she was the protector, the brave one, the one who would fight tooth and nail for her kids.

She is also something of a man-hater.

I don’t think she means to be. But I was raised with the subtle, unspoken attitude that men are weak, men are stupid, you can’t trust men to do anything, and if you want it done right, you need to rely on a woman. They need the direction of a strong woman in their life to be worth anything. Basically, men are good for cooking and cleaning and doing service around the house, but for the big things, like bills, child-rearing, getting kids fed and clothed, and protecting the family, you need to rely on a woman.

I know, it’s backwards from what most people are taught.

I don’t blame her for this attitude, really. My dad was sweet and helpful, but he wasn’t strong or fiery. He didn’t fight for their marriage; he just let it slip away slowly while he was busy watching golf on the tv. To her, he was good for doing menial chores, like cooking and dishes and laundry, but she had to be the one who stood up for her kids, planned the dates, managed the checkbooks, and made all the big decisions.

So of course she thinks most men are useless.

Therefore, she treats most men like servants. She’ll boss them around (“Why don’t you go help the kids with their toys? Bring me a Coke with three ice cubes, please. Did you finish cooking dinner? Good, now set the table and then you can clean the dishes”) and make fun at their expense.

My Dom got tired of this. He comes from a more traditional family, where women are seen as weak and men are seen as strong.

He was not happy with my mom’s attitude toward him.

He started responding with emotional jabs back when she got bossy or high-handed with him. He acted like he was the king and she was lucky to be in the room with him.

She never said anything. I was afraid she was going to start hating him.

Instead, to my amazement, the strong man-eater started seeking his approval. She would laugh at his jokes. She didn’t boss him around. When she did, she added a “please.” When he hugged her or laughed at her jokes, she would beam, like she’d accomplished something. She likes to joke with him over a bottle of wine.

She seems to respect him.

When we got engaged, she appalled and worried me by crying “I just didn’t want you to settle!” Those words–and her seeming disapproval of my choice–haunted me.

A few days ago, I brought it up. I asked her if she thought I’d settled.

She looked surprised. “No!” she said. “I just wanted you to be sure.”

Warm waves of my mother’s approval washed over me. She likes him. She respects him. She doesn’t think I settled.

Neither do I.