Official Announcements

Because, he told me, he was a male and could do this to me. This turned me on so much I repeated it in my head a long while.

Next time, I hope he chants it to me.

There are a lot of different facets to this lifestyle.  There are many ways to go about carrying out the power exchange dynamics we all enjoy, and none of them are wrong.  We all go about doing things a little different and in ways that work best for us and our relationships.  Yet, there are some similarities across all of the dynamics in how a Dominant needs to conduct himself.  There are certain behaviors that I see as being mandatory and not up for discussion.

Anyone can cause pain and create marks on someone else.  Anyone can be aggressive and controlling.  Anyone can spend a little time in a scene with someone and push their limits.  The pain will go away.  The bruises will go away.  The marks will eventually fade and go away.  As a Dominant, it’s the way you treat your submissive outside of these times that will stay with her and will last.

A Dominant has to give his submissive care and support throughout their relationship.  He has to offer reassurance and encouragement.  He has to make her feel appreciated for her submission, what she is willing to endure for him, and even as the woman she is in being his partner.  This sin’t something that is only part of a scene together.  It has to be part of the entire relationship, every single day.  It is this being there for her, and helping support her in being who she is for you, that will last and stick in her mind.  It is being treated like she is important and that you care that will stay with her most.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many “Dominants” think being Dominant is just about the scene, using her sexually, or making her suffer pain.  They just want the action and fun and then are on their way.  They don’t understand aftercare and the importance of it.  They don’t understand continual ongoing care and the importance of it.  They don’t understand that it’s the time between your scenes that are most important.  This time is what helps her process what happened, gives her constant reassurance, and makes her want and need more from you.

A Dominant cannot just be  part of the scene and then disappear or not put forth any effort.  It’s this effort that solidifies and reinforces who she is and what she gives.  She cannot be left floundering on her own to deal with everything.  As a Dominant, you have asked for her submission and she has given it to you, so you have to be willing and able to take her on.  Her submission is not just about the actual physical acts, but helping her learn and grow in addition to that as well.  If left to herself she will not be getting what she needs from you.  She will withdraw.  She will lose trust in you as her Dominant.  She will lose respect for you as her Dominant.  Ultimately this will mean you lose her submission to you.  Once this happens, it will be very difficult to regain, if not impossible.

A power exchange relationship, of whatever dynamic you choose, is a constant ongoing process and exchange.  It’s not just for the fun aspects and when it’s convenient.  When you invest yourself and your time into your partner, you can find more than you ever dreamed and get more from your partner than you ever knew you could have.  If you don’t give the time and effort, you are doomed to fail.  She is worth and deserves that effort from you as her Dominant.  Don’t be that guy that just uses her for your own enjoyment and pushes her aside.  Be the Dominant she needs all the time.  I promise you will get more in return than you ever imagined, and it will continue to only get better.

~DV~

For me it’s fairly easy to break BDSM into two main categories.  First, there are those that just like the kink and the role play, which I call kinksters.  It may just be sexually or from time to time for fun or as a way to spice things up.  The second is those that Domination and submission is is a deep part of who they are and something they need in their life.  It transcends just play and kink and is some they need to feel complete and whole.  It’s a way of life.  I, without a doubt, fall into the second group.  It’s a part of me and what I need to have as a part of a relationship.  It’s part of who I am.  There is nothing wrong with being a kinkster, so don’t get me wrong.  Either is fine as long as it works for the person engaged in it.  You have to find what fits and is right for you.  But just for play or a role…not for me.

Whenever I see problems within this lifestyle, one way or another it seems to come back to the difference in these two categories, or at least many times it does.  And when people are new to this, especially Dominants, or those claiming to be Dominants, this is the part they just don’t get…not yet anyway.  This doesn’t mean they can’t learn and that most don’t want to learn, but they aren’t there yet. These Dominants jump right in when they see this and think it looks fun.  They think it would be great to have a woman be at his beck and call.  

Many submissive women, on the other hand, come into this with a deeper understanding initially of who they are and what they need.  They have looked at this for a long time before taking steps towards this lifestyle.  They know it’s a part of who they are and what they need.  They have likely battled within themselves as to whether they can or really want to do this.  Or whether they feel it’s even right and ok to do this.  They may be very scared and vulnerable but know they need a Dominant Man in their life to be accountable to and to have oversee them.

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I have noticed over my years of being a Dominant (that made me sound old didn’t it?!?!  lol!), that there are a lot of of very strong women that want and need to be involved in a power exchange relationship.  Many of these women have a personality than no one would ever think that they would want to submit to someone.  They are very independent, strong, confident, attractive, and project themselves well in front of others.  Their daily lives many times consists of having to be in charge, lead, and direct.  They are in positions of authority in the workplace or community.  They are very goal oriented, and even perfectionists in all they do.  Even to the point of being a bit OCD in having to have everything a certain way.

So, why on earth would a woman like this be interested in a relationship where she has no power or control?  Why would she want to submit and give control to someone else?  The simple answer…because she needs it.   Many times, this type woman is in these positions because of her drive to succeed.  Yet, she craves direction.  Her need to achieve, being able to follow direction, accomplish all that has been asked her, and move up the ladder within her career has gained her all she has sought.  But, now she has surpassed being able to follow directives and achieve what has been asked of her.  She is now the one in charge, and that may not sit well with her needs.  The irony is that her need to please and do well, and flourishing under others, is the very thing that moved her up into a position of having to guide others beneath her.  Doing so well for others, at least in the workplace, is what got her noticed, promoted, and put in charge.

In being able to submit, it is her release.  It’s gets her back in balance, and it the one place she can let go of the pressures of everything else and relax.  She feels most comfortable in being in a structured environment where she is accountable to someone else.  A place where someone else has oversight of her.  For many overachieving women, though, this brings on a new problem within the D/s realm.  That problem is Fear.  It’s not fear of her partner, fear of what he may do, or fear of what he will require of her.  It’s fear of not being enough.  Fear of disappointing him.

In the workplace, there are boundaries.  She can only be pushed so far.  In her relationship, she knows she can constantly be pushed.  She can be pushed further than in anything else.  This can bring out a fear of disappointment.  In her mind, this is worse than anything that could be done to her.  She is used to being able to accomplish her goals and succeed.  But in D/s, she will be pushed mentally, emotionally, and physically like in nothing else.  She will be made to bare herself, emotionally and physically,  The one thing that can hold her back is the fear of not being enough to her Dominant.  Not being enough as a woman.  Not being enough as a submissive.  Not being able to give enough of herself, and the fear that she will disappoint her Dom in her efforts.  She is used to giving her all and being successful.  Yet, in D/s she is afraid that she will not be as successful and will let her Dominant down.  This fear can take over and cause a lot of problems in the relationship if not noticed and handled properly.

Luckily for us Doms, this can be a good thing.  With some care and attention, and lots of communication, this can be addressed.  In handling this carefully, showing her what she means to you, and that you have no worry at all on your side about her ability to please you, she can find comfort in her abilities and what she means to you.  It takes a lot of care, support and reassurance.  But in the end, this process can bring you both closer, build the trust level to be stronger, and she will respect you more for the Dominant you are in helping, supporting and guiding her.  She will respect and believe in you more as a man, for taking the time to show her that her fears are unfounded, and just how grateful you are for all she is and gives to you.

Fear of being a disappointment is something all Dominants need to be aware of abut their submissives. In the Doms mind, it may be completely unfounded.  But in her mind, it is very real.  And most importantly, if it is real to her, then it better become real to you.  Do not make light of it and push it aside.  Be very aware of it, and learn how to deal with it.  She will appreciate you more for understanding and working her through this mental block.  To me, it’s part of the process in being a good leader and Dom for her.  It isn’t always just fun play and games.  There are serious situations that sometimes need to be addressed.  It can take time, as well, to work through these issues.  But, the end result in taking this time and working through this together, is well worth all the effort.