The Fear Of Fantasies…

Dominants and submissives alike often times have trouble coming to terms with the things they fantasize.  With the things they find themselves desiring.  With the things they find themselves craving within this lifestyle.  Although, I do think it is harder for a female submissive to come to terms with than it is for the Dominant.  The main reason for this?  They are looking at and comparing themselves incorrectly.As a Dominant, I have had the pleasure of dealing with quite a few female submissives.  Some were in real time and real life, while others were by some sort of electronic means in offering advice, answering questions, giving guidance, etc…  In my approach, as many of my followers know, I require complete open and honest communication.  I do not allowing hiding, running away, or avoid the truth.  I will require to know her thoughts desires, fantasies, what thoughts she masturbates, to, and what really gets her off.  I think this is vitally important so that I can understand her, see how she thinks, and what she needs as a submissive.  Without this information, how can I possibly be a Dominant towards her?!?!

A common theme appears to be the submissive having trouble coming to terms with her desires, as she can see her fantasies as being very dark and twisted.  The problem with this is that she is comparing these fantasies to the vanilla world.  Yes, as compared to the vanilla world, where even just having sex with the lights on may be consider really kinky, then of course the thoughts of BDSM and D/s can seem dark and twisted.  Yet, what I think is my job and duty is to help make her see that I think the same as she does.  That I’m even more dark and twisted than she is.  That as compared to me, she isn’t as dark and twisted as she may have originally thought.

The key to this is making her see that she will not be looked upon poorly for what she desires and fantasizes. That she will not be laughed at or made fun of for wanting these things.  As a Dominant, it is essential that you give her encouragement and support.   You have to make her feel accepted and desired for these thoughts.  She has to be able to reach a place where she feels comfortable in sharing and being open because she knows she is accepted for it and for what she shares.  She has to be reassured and helped to understand what it is she is desiring and needing.  If she doesn’t receive this, then she will withdraw and you will never get it out of her.  She has to feel safe and secure with you in order to be this open and share things this intimate about herself.  It is a very vulnerable place for her, so it must be handled with care.

So that is what I mean about a submissive comparing themselves incorrectly.  You can’t compare to vanilla people.  You have to compare apples to apples against other kinky people.  As a Dominant, you have to help her see it from a level playing field, and to see that she isn’t as dark and twisted as she may have thought.  To see that it’s ok to want and need these desires, and that she is accepted for them, and they can even be expected of her.

Help her embrace this side of herself that she is trying to open up to give you.  Make her feel safe in her vulnerability to you, as her Dominant.  I can promise you… the benefits you will receive from this will be well worth the effort in all you will get from her and her submission in trusting you more and deeper than before.  And all because you helped her understand her desires, and made her feel accepted for having them.

~DV~

 

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