Transitioning to D/s… (Part 1)

I have been asked many times over the years which I think is easier…starting a relationship with a D/s dynamic or transforming an existing relationship into a D/s dynamic.  I even receive messages from people in existing relationships that want to bring D/s into what they have, and asking for help and advice.  Whether just starting out or being in an existing relationship, each has their good and bad points.  But by far I think it’s easier to start a relationship with D/s in mind than to change over an existing relationship.  This doesn’t mean that it can’t be done by any means.  I just believe it to be easier to start fresh with D/s in mind.

Starting fresh, with the intention of the two people involved being that of Dominant and submissive, establishes the dynamic right from the start.  You go into it knowing the dynamic and what may or may not be expected.  You can take that and build on it from the beginning, and do so with your respective roles in mind.  This doesn’t mean that two people automatically jump right in, as it still takes time.  You have to get to know each other, learn about each other, learn about how D/s would work for the two you, learn how each of you sees this type relationship, and learn each others wants, needs, and desires within what you intend to build together.  It takes time to build the knowledge of each other, the trust and the respect needed and that is such a big part of these relationships.  Yet, purely from the perspective of the respective Dominant and submissive roles, I believe starting this way is the easier route, since both of you are going into it knowing this is what you want and need as part of your relationship.

For an existing relationship, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome.  The two people have a lot of history together and see each other a certain way.  Usually one develops an interest, or uncovers their desire, in a D/s dynamic, and eventually takes this interest to their partner.  Getting their partner to understand their desire and get on board with it can be a challenge.  Getting their partner to try to understand what is involved and to take on this new role can be a challenge.  Each of you learning as you go and trying to make this work can be a challenge.  Especially when you have a history together, have always seen each other and conducted your relationship in a particular way, and now you are wanting to totally change all of that.

Getting your partner to look at you and all you have together differently can be tough to do.  They may have always treated you nice and with total care and respect and now you are asking them to control you, hurt you, Dominate you, etc…  OR if reversed, you are asking your partner to submit to you, let you control them, let you do “evil” things to them, and expecting them to want and enjoy it.  This is a huge shift from where most existing couples have been, and this transition can be extremely difficult.

On the plus side for established relationships, the history you have can be very beneficial.  You already know each other, love each other, and have developed a deep bond and connection.  You know all about your partner (although not near as much as you are about to learn), and know their likes, dislikes, personality…all the normal vanilla things that a new couple still has to figure out  Also, there is no rush to move forward.  Being in an established relationship, and assuming you plan to stay together for the long haul, you can take you time and work into this slowly.

So how does an existing relationship transform?  How do you make it work?  Any of you that read my blog and know my views know what I’m about to say…COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING!!!  You have to be able to open talk and discuss this without judgement.  You have to be able to talk to each other and express your thoughts and views without being made to feel bad or looked down upon.  Your talks shouldn’t be defensive or argumentative.  They should be about wanting to try to be what you each need for each other, how you can make your relationship better and stronger, and having an open mind to each other.  You have to be willing to share, talk and be open with each other in ways you may never have before.  Being willing to let each other into the deep recesses and darkness within you.  This will take time, but over time it gets easier and will feel more natural.

If you are in an existing relationship and thinking of adding D/s to what you have, I commend you and am all for it.  Just don’t jump in expecting it to be an easy transition.  There will be challenges along the way.  There will be hurdles to overcome.  But if you are at this point of wanting this, then obviously it is important to you enough to be willing to face these challenges to achieve what you need.  Many of you have gone through these very transitions.  Some of which I follow in blogland and you all read about as well.  There are many success stories and it is possible to change your dynamic.  So I encourage you to step up and move forward if this is something you want.  The road may be bumpy, but the rewards can be more than worth the journey.  Just keep an open mind and be willing to talk to and be open with your partner.  Without doing that, you might as well not even try.

~DV~

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